Unrestrained Musings

Update.

2011-02-23T22:49:00.001+08:00

for the actual post, skip to the part after the heart. (hey it rhymed!)

Happy 2011!

Happy Thaipusam!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Did I miss anything? No? Good. Now that's out of the way....

No, I'm not dead; still alive and kicking.
Yes, you can slap me, I have been slacking.
I kinda forgot time never stops ticking.
My only excuse: inspiration was lacking.

No, it's not because frogs stole my clogs.
Yes, I'm flattered you still follow/stalk this blog.
I should be in bed, sleeping like a log.
Yet here I am, rhyming out a fog.

Behold. My failed attempt at poetry. *cringe* But hey! New nursey rhyme. xD

What started out as an outlet to vent my frustrations and post random rants and ramblings has gained a loyal fanbase? *cue gasp* watch the ego. -flat look-
A million thanks to all of you who still see some value in this half-dead blog. :)

Well, thanks to your constant ~~bugging~~ ~~pestering~~ encouragement, here's an update.
<3

...

Doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties.

Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt. Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root.
Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere.

-- Quoted from the Internet.

Self-doubt. We've all been there, aye? That deep, dark, bottomless hole. The tunnel that seems to go on forever and ever. The suffocating darkness that grabs your heart and won't let go. No wait. That was self-pity. Then again, the two are but shadows of each other.
Self-doubt, if left unchecked, will evolve into self-pity, which in turn will lead to self-loathing. And you don't wanna go there. Ever.

We all have our insecurities. That nagging feeling of inadequacy. However, as mentioned above, a reasonable amount of doubt is healthy; a gift, even. After all, I'd rather be insecure than arrogant. But that's just me.
That being said, how do you know how much is too much? Well, I don't have an answer for that. To each their own, I say. Somehow you just know. You will reach a point where you say to yourself, enough is enough. Snap out of it right now. This can't go on.
For some, this takes days, weeks, months. Others just need an hour, a minute, the next second.
But however long it takes, you know you gotta stop. You know that this behaviour benefits no one. You know it's acidic, eating you up from the inside- damaging; corrosive. You've hit rock bottom, and you've got nowhere else to go but up.

I don't know about you guys, but when I was younger, you know, during the child-teen transition period, I went through this phase, a really dark one - bleak, cold, forbidding. It was like being stranded in deep sea, surrounded by freezing water; alone; helpless. Occasionally being submerged under water by a crashing wave, struggling to resurface and breathe, exhausted beyond measure yet fighting to stay afloat. Then add in thunderstorms and deadly whirlpools and whatnot. Grim. (Not that I have any experience to base this on...but you get the picture.)
And then at some point you just let go. You stop struggling. You stop resisting. You close your eyes, hold your breath and surrender to the frigid waters. Let them carry you wherever they will, while you float in and out of consciousness. Then, at a certain moment, comes the peace, the serenity, the soothing calmness. And suddenly, you're okay. The storm may still be raging, but you're okay.
The next thing you know, you're washed up on shore. The sun is shining. Warmth envelopes you, not unlike a loving embrace. You get up, you carry on.

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. "
-Jan Goldstein, Sacred Wounds

What I'm trying to say here is that, no matter what happens, no matter what life throws at you, the obstacles you face, the roadblocks, the setbacks, the downfalls; don't be bitter. Don't waste your time and energy trying to justify "Why?"- Why me? Why this? Why now?
Doubt yourself, it's normal. But don't hate. Search deep within for the strength you know you have, the strength you have been given. And stand up, proud and tall, knowing that the previous doubts have made you stronger.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others..."
-- Our Deepest Fear; Marianne Williamson, American Author/Lecturer

Go, be a light for others, brighten up their darkness; but even more so, do it for yourself. :)

With much love,
Grace.

edit: Cold Water - Damien Rice go listen to it. beautiful track that fits perfectly with this post.

Disorganised Thoughts.

2010-07-08T17:48:00.001+08:00

Oh wow. I've been slacking off lately. The last time I posted something was 5 months ago. Awesome.
I guess I've lost my touch after such a long hiatus. Sorry if this overdue post isn't up to par. My usual standards are much higher (I think). Don't flatter yourself, you egoistic pig!

Anyway, on to the actual blog entry!

Don't you just hate that feeling of being unappreciated? Like whatever you do doesn't matter at all? Even if you've tried your very best, it's still not enough. Makes you feel worthless, doesn't it?

It sucks. It downright sucks. I know the feeling. And boy, do I effing hate it.

And another thing, ever felt as though you were so insignificant, like a speck of cosmic dust in the whole entire universe, that nobody would care if you disappear?

No.

They wouldn't even notice.

Yes I know that we should give freely and without expectations, work without reward, and so on and so forth. But it's a different story (at least I'd like to think so) when you're the eldest child in the family, and there are certain expectations you have to meet, certain things you have to do...just for the sake of being a good 'role model' for the other kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I love my family....but sometimes, being in a traditional Chinese family (I'm sure other families have the same problem...regardless of race) with a self-proclaimed traditionalist for a father - the type who rarely smiles, frowns more than 10 times a day, hardly ever shows affection, and pretty much unsatisfied with anything - is very stressful. Especially when you gave it your best shot, and all you get is a grunt and a "You can do better." Yes I know you mean well, dad, but would it kill you to smile for once? Perhaps your own parents were like that to you, in fact, I'm pretty sure they were, that's why I don't blame you....but it really kills me inside when all I wanted was to make you proud, to make you smile for once, instead of seeing an expressionless face all the time.

That's why I give compliments freely. You never know when somebody might really need it. It's just a simple act. Anybody can do it. It wouldn't cost you a thing, and you could really make somebody's day with a sincere, heartfelt affirmation.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Think back, when was the last time you gave or received a compliment? When was the last time you thought, hey, he's a really nice person, or, I love her smile, or even, she looks good in her new haircut. Did you ever take the time to actually tell that person? Share your thoughts? Because -surprise, surprise! - they can't read your mind. And, when was the last time you hugged somebody? You don't need a reason to hug a person. Just do it.

The sad thing about our culture is that we are not used to showing affection. We take it for granted. Honestly, we take EVERY DAMN THING for granted. But it is precisely because of our 'conservative' community, that we need to break through the common mindset...because we are all human, we all crave affection, affirmation...We need to be loved. We need to feel loved.

So, go forth and spread the love. Start today. Oh gosh. Listen to yourself. You sound like some cheesy ad.

...

I'm lost.

I feel like it's rush hour on a busy street, but I'm stuck in the very middle, with people pushing and shoving around me, moving so fast everything is just a blur. Yet, I'm stuck where I am in a standstill. Not moving. While the world hurtles onward.

I'm so unmotivated recently. I lost the fire in me. Help? Anybody?

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. " -Anonymous

xoxo
-Wondering Wanderer

A pint of frozen fat.

2010-02-22T00:18:00.000+08:00

Chocolate? Nah.
Vanilla? I'll pass.

Be a sweetheart and buy me a pint of strawberry flavoured frozen fat, kay?
(Please excuse my girlish moment.)
Don't ask me why ice cream seems to be the ultimate cure for heartache, cause' I don't know. It just is.

And nobody said you had to be in love to get your heart broken.
Trust me, family does it way easier. But of course, they can mend it just as fast.

The past ten days were bliss. Now, back to being incomplete. A part of me just left on a 27 hr flight to halfway around the world. It may be a small world nowadays, but halfway across the globe is just a teeny bit too far for my liking.

So what if I'm being whiny? Sue me.
- Daddy's Lil' Girl.

P/S. Screw the calories! Get me a quart. Pronto.

Humanity -The Sequel : Good vs Evil?

2009-12-31T01:10:00.001+08:00

So, after Jonathan went and took the thoughts right out of my head and phrased them ever so eloquently, in a way I could never do, it's time I throw in my two cents?
(And probably make a fool out of myself along the way. But whatever.)

As you read this, it is useful for you to note that, I am in part, replying to this blog post. It was this well written blog entry that sparked my conversation with Jonathan, and it was also this entry that inspired me to write about this topic. I have to stress, however, that I am not rebuking that post. I am just blogging about my thoughts on the matter.

Disclaimer: I do not claim to know everything there is to know about humanity. What I say is what I observe, and being the mere mortal that I am, I'm bound to overlook certain aspects. Please forgive any errors I may make in the following passage.

Ah. Yes. The stage on which we are forced to make an appearance; the stage upon which we are mere actors whose fates intertwine with each others'; the stage we must ultimately leave; the stage we call life.

Such are the woes of humanity.

Although we all end up, inevitably, facing death, what we play during the period between our first appearance onstage and the final scene, is entirely up to us to decide.

Will you be the heroic protagonist? The conniving evil mastermind? The bitter villain who seeks to cause hatred and spread dismay because he can't stand the happiness of others? The lonely miser who worries his life away, or the bumbling optimist leading a happy-go-lucky life with minimal worries? The young, hot blooded fresh graduate, recklessly climbing the corporate ladder, doing whatever is necessary to get to the top? The passionate artist, who wants to make it big in the world, to leave his mark in society, ending up half-starved but content? A journalist, maybe, traveling the world, reporting the deepest darkest secrets of mankind, getting depressed along the way by all the ugliness that he has seen?
Would you rather be the dainty damsel in distress, waiting to be whisked off your feet by a dashing knight astride a horse (read: Ferrari), or the headstrong tough girl, earning her place in a man's world, doing it the guys way - brutal and rough? Or, would you play the part of the uninteresting Plain Jane, a commoner, the ordinary law-abiding, tax-paying civilian, leading equally unglamorous lives, fading away in the background?

In simpler words : good hero vs evil villain. And everything else in between.

True, we all have an evil side to us, hidden because we are forced to, or maybe by choice. But this darkness, as you put it, may or may not be as evil as you think it is. Our true nature is not completely good, nor is it completely evil either.
Once you acknowledge and accept your flaws and imperfections, and value your weaknesses as much as you value your strengths, then you can be at peace with yourself, and hopefully, at peace with the world.
Suppressing 'the evil side' and putting up a false act, is indeed very tiring. But why must the surface be any less true than the core?

Try, for a change, to give yourself a break and rediscover the goodness in mankind.
We are, after all, human.
And humans are fundamentally flawed.
Acceptance, leads to realisation of the beauty of our imperfections.

And by the way, the fact that people actually try to hide the darkness within, as opposed to letting it run free, is already one reason to believe that goodness isn't extinct, isn't it?

Life is an eternal battle between good and evil. Just because we try to hide one side, doesn't mean the other side isn't true. They are both sides of the same coin.

Unless you believe that all evil people are true to themselves and all good people are fakers?
Good people are not cowards for failing to succumb to their 'evilness'. They are the brave ones who can tame and conquer those inappropriate desires. As I see it, evil people let those desires take over and rule them, making them the real cowards.

But then again, that's just my personal opinion on the topic. My view on life is still subjective, however objective I try to make it.

And of course, the world being the world, there are always exceptions.
Just don't let the minority prevent you from seeing the majority.

Love.
- Fundamentally Flawed

The Big Bang : Religion and Science

2009-11-15T11:44:00.000+08:00

I know I really shouldn't be here. But I read this article in our church newsletter and thought that it was worth sharing. So here it is:

One of the biggest debates in the US (throughout the world, actually) is the rift between those who believe the world was created in seven days and those who believe it was created over billions of years.

This tension between religion and science is not something new. It has been ongoing for centuries. In a sense, both religion and science share some common ground. Both are concerned about seeking the truth. Science asks how it happened or how it works while religion asks why.

The strongest tension between religion and science occurred when scientists and astronomers showed that the earth was not the centre of the universe and the planets actually revolve around the sun. Some felt that this challenged the notion of earth and human beings being the centre of God's creation.

I watched a fascinating documentary last weekend about the origins of the universe and the scientific quest to understand how it took place. It showed how this quest took place over centuries from the time of Aristotle and Ptlomey. What was fascinating was that although the Church was uneasy with some of the challenging scientific work, Catholics were among those in the forefront of pioneering a deeper understanding of the origins of the universe.

Among the illutrious astronomers and physicists who developed the scientific knowledge were Catholics such as Nicolaus Copernicus (1473-1543), Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) and Monsignor Georges Lemaître (1894-1966).

Copernicus, a mathematician, physician and Catholic canon among other things, was the first astronomer to formulate a cosmology which displaced the earth from the centre of the universe. His book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Orbs, published just before his death is regarded as the starting point of modern astronomy and ushered in the scientific revolution. His heliocentric model put the sun at the centre of the universe.

Galileo, a devout Catholic, championed Copernicus' theory of a sun-centred universe at a time when many of his contemporaries still held that the earth was the centre of the universe. For that, he had to pay a heavy price for his beliefs though some assert that his problems with the church arose when he entered into the realm of theology and scriptural interpretation. He was condemned by the Holy Office as "violently suspected of heresy".

Having improved the telescope and studied the planets and sunspots, Galileo is regarded as the father of modern observational astronomy, the father of modern physics and even the father of modern science.

In issuing an apology for the church's condemnation of Galileo in 1992, Pope John Paul II was trying to heal the split between religion and science. The pope made it clear that Galileo's freedom of scientific inquiry was violated by the church authorities of his time.

Other geniuses such as Issac Newton and Einstein made great strides in discovering the laws of the universe. But despite Einstein's brilliance in formulating the theory of relativity, he believed in a static, eternal and unchanging universe. It was left to the lesser known Catholic priest, Lemaître, a Belgian professor of physics and astronomer at the Catholic University of Leuven, to develop "the hypothesis of the primeval atom", better known as the Big Bang theory of the origin of the universe.

Today, the Big Bang theory, as it is now understood, holds that the Universe was created from a single primeval atom containing a fusion of pure energy from gravity, electromagnetics, strong and weak nuclear forces. The atom exploded, creating the universe, gravity was separated from the other three forces, and until today, the universe is still expanding and growing.

I spoke to a Buddhist friend about this and I was told that Buddhism holds that everything is in a state of flux.

It took centuries for science to figure out the origins and laws of the universe, and how it works, with each astronomer or mathematician uncovering one or more layers of the truth, until a bigger and bigger picture was revealed.

Although the universe developed over different phases lasting billions of years, resulting in the creation of the planets and life on earth, this does not mean it is incompatible with the story of Genesis. Scripture uses everyday language to communicate larger truths about the world and why we are here.

What about the seven-day version of Creation in Genesis? This should be read in the context of 2 Peter 3:8 "But there is one thing, my dear friends, that you must never forget: that with the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."

All the same, it is interesting to note that in 1215, the Fourth Lateran Council taught that the universe had a beginning in time, something that even Einstein could not acknowledge.

What the Big Bang theory from a single atom should tell us is that even though the earth may not be the centre on the universe, the universe itself had an origin from a single primeval atom. And in that sense, we are all interconnected, just as St Francis had sung, not only with one another but also with all that is in the universe, the sun, the moon, and the stars.

We should be in awe that we are interconnected - we have the same origins - as everything else in the universe. And the earth and its creatures and human beings, so far as we can tell, is still a very special place, even unique in our known universe.

How exactly was this first atom created and where did the energy within it come from?

That, perhaps, is a matter for both faith and science to continue to contemplate.

- by Anil Netto (Herald 15th Nov)

Just some stuff to ponder upon. I'll return to my studies now, as History is beckoning me to its embrace.

Toodles.

- Bored Bum

Humanity and drama.

2009-10-11T01:30:00.001+08:00

Alright. Today you're in for a treat.
Let me share something truly insightful with all of you.

I had the opportunity to discuss a couple of topics with a dear friend.
(I hope he doesn't oppose of me calling him that. xD)
And the following are excerpts of our conversation:

Topic : Humans

Jonathan : You see, humans shouldn't be classified as mammals.
Me : Why? Because they're actually cold-blooded?
Jonathan : No.
Me : Uh-huh. Go on.
Jonathan : Because mammals instinctively develop this balance with nature. If it does not, it dies. It reaches this natural equilibrium, multiplies, and populates the area and the surrounding environment benefits from them too.
Humans are not that way. Humans move to an area and multiply, and multiply until all the resources have been consumed.
Till the land is desolated, destroyed.
Then humans shift to another area, and the cycle continues.
That's not mammal behaviour. That's the pattern of a virus.
Humans are not the saviours of the world, there isn't really salvation in this world, not until God comes again, that is. Human beings are like a disease, killing the planet, slowly, but surely.
Me : Interesting. And very true. The sad thing is, God didn't create us this way.
Jonathan : Yes. I blame women. LOL.
Me: LOL! Why?
Jonathan : ...
Jonathan : You see.... who was the one to take the forbidden fruit? THE WOMAN.
Or else we'd all be happy in paradiso now.
Then again... Men are stupid enough to listen to the woman, taking the forbidden fruit too. So...
Me : Let's call it equal. :P

Next topic : The (supposed) darkness of Humanity

Me : There are opinions that say we humans are weak, frail and evil by nature. These people think that the whole of humanity is just disguising the true darkness hidden within. Like putting on masks, for example, to hide the actual us.

Jonathan : I have to disagree. Humans are not weak. We are not frail. We are strong, we stand for our beliefs, some to the death. But yet, at the same time, we are weak.
No, we are not dark inside. No, not all of us are the same.
Yes, we adopt a mask, but it isn't to hide our true intentions inside. We take on a personality so as to fit in, so as to be defined as a person.
If we all shed our masks, or our personalities, we'd all be the same. We wouldn't be any different, from one person to the next.
And about the darkness of a human heart, no, I don't believe all humans are dark. Or evil.
We are what we are because of our memories. Because of our upbringing. Because of what we might have seen or heard.
Children are like pristine glass.
Some parents leave their fingerprints, some parents crack, others shatter childhoods completely beyond repair.
Some leave darkness within, some are taught to love and to live.

Our upbringing shapes us.
Our memories make us.
Our visions set assumptions within us, as to how the world functions.

We assume how things work without figuring out how it really functions. Often, we make it simpler, less complicated.
The reality is, things might work completely different from how we have assumed them, and nothing is harder to understand and to fathom than the workings of a human heart.
No two are the same, no two are identical. We are all different. So no, humans are not dark.

I do agree that none of us are pure. We are all born into sin. But we all try to be better, to have simple faith in God.
Simple faith.

---
Total credit goes to Jonathan Yap and him alone.
He puts all those wannabe philosophers to shame. (:

You have to agree that was intriguing, no?
It's not everyday you get to read an opinion of such wisdom and depth.
And he speaks with the wisdom and maturity of a sage who has lived and experienced life to the fullest. (Okay. I was exaggerating a little bit.)
But it's true. It is uncommon nowadays to see this level of intellect in a 17 year old.
Result of deep contemplation and reflection? No doubt.

While most teens are busy fretting about trivial matters such as relationships gone bad, unrequited puppy love, and other common but often insignificant teenage problems, here we have somebody who has already grasped the basic fundamentals of life.
How many of our peers can claim that they have reached this point of realisation? I'd say less than 10.
Really makes you wonder, doesn't it? All you have focused on up till now, is it really important?
Was that girl really worth it? Are you sure you can't live without that boy?
Wake up. Set your priorities straight. Get it right. Widen your perspective and see that the world is much more than what you and I face right here, right now. Time to grow up.

Let me give you a point to ponder on.
My mum once told me, always frame every so-called disaster with this question:
"In 5 years, will it matter?"
You will soon realise that not everything is as important as you think it is.

Yeah sure. The 'love of your life' dumped you. You're heartbroken. But ask yourself, will it really matter in 5 years? Didn't think so.
So why waste your time bawling about lost 'love'? Take a day or two (maybe a week if you were in deep), indulge in ice-cream, get fat and get over it. He/she isn't worth it. Might as well use your time to plot bitter revenge against the guy/girl who stole your sweetheart. Or against your ex-lover for breaking your heart.
Just joking.
But hey, it definitely beats crying your heart out and spreading the gloom to everyone around you and infecting them with your negativeness, right?

Okay. My rant on whiny drama queens end here.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless. I know it hurts.
I just get annoyed when people over-dramatise their breakups and act as though their whole life is over. C'mon, you're tougher than that!

But I digress.

Coming back to the topic. Humanity.
This post is long enough as it is. If I were to further elaborate on my thoughts, I'm afraid you might doze off.
So I'll leave my two cents for another post.

I now bid you farewell.
We shall meet again, in my next blog entry.

Till then, Adieu.
- Awestruck Author

A Beautiful Mess.

2009-10-09T15:46:00.002+08:00

I *heart* the song by Jason Mraz. A Beautiful Mess.

Awesomeness.
*swoon*

---

My apologies to all my (phantom) readers.
I have been slacking off in posting. I know.
Guilty as charged.

Lots of things happened between my last post and now.
What scares me most is why I'm not surprised at some of them. Guess I should heed my gut feeling more often. (:

My life is a mess. But what a beautiful mess this is! Hah.
The irony of it all. Lovely.

Twisted? Oh yeah. You bet. *smirk*

"Truth is the strongest bond that exists between two people. If you lie or break a promise then you have broken that bond, which only time and time alone can heal."
- Tosha Vecchio

"The knife from the enemy leaves only a scar while the knife of a friend can be mortal. Friends always greet each other with open arms."
- Anonymous

"Friendship is not friendship without trust, without it I walk alone."
- James P. Michels Jr.

Love these quotes, especially the last one.

Back to the mess I call life.
It's been messy all this while. But just recently, I've learnt to embrace it and call it my own. Thanks to my lovely friends (foster siblings) in S'pore and JB. Love you guys! Also not forgetting my wonderful conf. class buddies. Bums forever. Haha. You know who you are.
I would be nothing if not for you guys. It's messy, yes. But I wouldn't have it any other way. It's mine, and mine alone.

Which reminds me, I read this line from an email my dad sent me. Let me share it here.
"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."

How true, no?

And another thing. I had this chat with -name removed- and he/she said:

XX : You're an idiot, you know that?
Me : Yes I know.
XX : But it's okay. You're my idiot. (:
Me : Awww....
XX : Haha. You're welcome. ;) And just fyi, I'm an idiot too. So is the rest of the world.
Me : LOL. You made me feel special for a moment there.
XX : But you are! Nobody else can be MY idiot. Only you. :P
Me : So am I supposed to be happy or what? Honoured?
XX : Oh yea, you bet. *smirk*
Me : Hahaha. You're such a clown.
XX : Why, that's sweet of you. Love you too.
Me : Bleh. xD

Haha. I know what you're thinking. No, that person is not my secret lover. :P
Just an amazing friend.

In another similar episode, another lovely friend of mine requested I put the following line in my blog entry, so here it is:

I know I'm an idiot. (:

There you go. Dedicated to my self-proclaimed No. 1 Fan. Haha. You're such a sweetie, Mun.

This post seems kinda pointless. Sigh. So be it.
I'll be back with another thought-provoking one soon, I hope.
Keep your fingers crossed. :D

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
- Ignorant Idiot

Of Masks and Detachment

2009-07-14T23:11:00.004+08:00

People say the opposite of love is hate.
I couldn't disagree more.

When you love someone, you care.
When you hate someone, you care too.
It's because you care (whether you admit it or not) that you hate.

Indifference, however, means you don't care. You just can't be bothered.

It's no easy feat making somebody give up on you. But when the damage is done, it's irreversible. So don't make me reach that level of complete closure. Trust me, that's one side of me you won't want to see.

Be warned, you're getting really close to the cutoff point. In fact, you're just a hair's breadth away from it. One wrong move, one miscalculated twitch, one untimely breath, or one moment of ignorance and that's it.
You don't even get to kiss it goodbye. It'll be gone before you realised what hit you.

(Time to detach, people. You can't keep holding on to something or somebody forever. Don't suffocate him/her just because of your own insecurities/paranoia. You'll only find that he/she will just push you away further and one day you'll wake up realising you've lost him/her. And you can blame no one but yourself. Take heed, dear friends, take heed.)

_______

Ahhhh. The comfort of familiarity.
The blogosphere is my haven, as it is for many. I find my recluse here, here in my very own sanctuary. I revel in being able to be as close as I can to the real me.

Masks.
The big mystery of masks and those wearing it.

Why the obsession over masked men and veiled ladies?
Why do people have this uncanny compulsion to rip off the supposed masks we all wear?
Can't we just be left alone within the walls we build?
Can't I choose what to show and when I want to show it?
What happened to personal space?
What must I do to regain my right to privacy?
Don't you know the more you prod and poke, the deeper I'll burrow?
Don't you realise the harder you insist, the faster I lock you out?

It's not that I enjoy faking emotions.
It's not that I like suppressing my thoughts.
It's not that I want to win an Oscar.
It's not that I mean to hide my true self.
Not at all.

Just, sometimes, it's necessary to do so, to save a whole lot of fuss about trivial things.

Enough of my POV.
Back to the general public.

Have you ever wondered, under all those layers of protective covering we call masks, what is that that is so well hidden and safely guarded? So carefully protected and selfishly hoarded?
Must be some precious gem, right?

No. Not always.

What if, it's actually hollow? Yes, imagine taking all the trouble to peel off the masks, layer by painstaking layer, only to find out it's empty? All your hopes of discovering the world's greatest treasure, the excitement of being the first to see the never-before-seen core, the thrill of deciphering the cryptic puzzle nobody ever solved. All that, gone, just like that.

Kinda anticlimactic, no?

Face it. Some people need to have masks, because that's all they have. Their entire being, their whole life, is based on the carefully structured layers of masks.
Take that away, and they have nothing.

...

- Detached Devotee

Not-so-subtle Sarcasm.

2009-06-02T17:48:00.004+08:00

If you have been in contact with me for the past few weeks, you may have noticed it's less of the Cheery Me and more of the Depressed Me.
Why?
Simple.

It's nothing. Really. Absolutely nothing's wrong with my life. I'm just being the selfish, useless, self-pitying, attention-seeking emo freak that brings sadness and despair to people all around me and ruin their mood on purpose. Yeah. I'm having SO much fun doing that. I get this sick enjoyment of seeing people get influenced by my negative aura. Such a thrill.

Yep. That's your answer right there. Albeit a teeny-weeny bit sarcastic, but still the answer nevertheless.
If you know me well enough, you'll get it.

No, all this has nothing to do with being treated like a disposable napkin*. Nope. Neither does being a doormat bother me at all. Oh, and the fact that I'm torn between my 2 'best friends' doesn't affect me a single bit. Did I mention that I'm NOT missing my dad terribly? Yea, I just love being brushed apart like some unimportant, insignificant trash. Nah, it doesn't hurt when I found out my 'friends' were just using me. And I enjoy being left out. I really do. Nothing makes me happier than being placed at the bottom of the priority list by people I care for.

. . .

Don't expect me to be the cheerful, bubbly, crazy me all the time, because that side of me can get bullied into hiding. And it's exhausting trying to suppress my real emotions and fake happiness just for the sake of your convenience . Let me be the insecure, paranoid me for once, kay?
It's the much less painful option.

Embrace the dark side. I'm still me, just tanned.

____________
* disposable napkin : I clean up your mess, I wipe your tears, and I get thrown away and forgotten.

P.S. To all my other wonderful true friends that treat our friendship seriously, I LOVE you all. To those that truly care, I LOVE you too. I'll get over this at some point, sooner or later. So there's no cause for worry. No fuss needed.

Sweet reminiscence.

2009-04-04T14:16:00.000+08:00

http://gracegs.spaces.live.com/
Refer to 'Untitled' and 'Untitled - Pt. 2' for background info on my current state of mind.

---

Ah. Blogspot. Brings back wonderful memories. Makes me remember times long past, when I was once an active Blogger myself. Those were innocent times, where most, if not all, of the topics were hardly as deep and profound as now.
Of course, I owe it to this thing called 'growing up', but sometimes, I wonder.... why must all of us go through this painful process of metamorphosis?
From a young, sweet, innocent, carefree child,
to a confused, doubting, lost, and troubled teen,
to a mature, hardened, bitter adult with endless worries.

True, you might say that one does not necessarily have to end up like that, but let me ask you, how many of us won't turn out to be exactly that, in one way or another, whether we want it or not?

From carefree innocence, to self-doubting struggles, to blind grasping, to aimless wandering, to incessant worrying.

How sad can life be?

- Pondering Pessimist